I went back to church and joined. I’m excited. Time to be obedient.

Grandfather passed away. Still miss him but I know he’s in Heaven and still praying for me.

My dog has heartworms and I’m scared we’re gonna have to put him to sleep. I don’t know how I’mma get through that. I cried for awhile today but I think that was also built up tears for my grandpa.

Really looking forward to Bible Study tomorrow. I was majorly discouraged today.

Trying to end this on a positive note…God is good. He’s got my back.

~R

What is the point of insurance, if they don’t pay anything.

I’m F$%%ing unemployed, paying Bluecrossblueshield (bitchassmuthafuckas) $90 a month with a $500 deductible for some damn short term insurance. They approved one little claim but all 4 after they rejected. I HATE insurance companies. I’m going to find out what happened on Tuesday.

I’m so frustrated.

I only have 4 months worth of savings left. And they are trying to take $651 from me. It’s NOT gonna happen. They are NOT getting that from me. Fuck that.

Where are the fucking jobs

~R

My name is R and I am my friend’s Psychiatrist. I know that God blessed me with the gift of listening but sometimes it’s hard not to take on the other person’s problems. My well is low right now and I need some water. I think returning to blogging is helping. I did feel better after that last post. I just got it OUT, seeing as I’m the one that people come to, sometimes my friends don’t realize I go through things.  So this is an avenue to get my ish out on “paper” and into the universe. God also blessed me with a mother who is my best friend but sometimes, you don’t want to burden ppl all the time. 99% of the time the answer is within in you and you just need to talk it out.

I think I may find a local emotions anonymous group again. I went through the program a couple of years ago but it can’t hurt to have a refresher course. Different time, different problems.

I also think I may have ADD. At first I didn’t think it was a big deal until I started really researching how it affects your life. It ain’t pretty. I believe I’m on the verge of taking my life to another level but I’ve got to be emotionally prepared for the journey because it’s won’t be easy and I don’t expect it to be.

Positivity is a choice…

~R

*sigh*

I didn’t apply for one single job because I feel like nobody ever see my applications anyway.

I ate crap and over did it with Reese’s pieces and milk duds last night.

I forgot to refill my water pill prescription. I’m not claiming high blood pressure but I still need to take it.

I’m stressed and probably need to get laid but oh wait, i don’t have a man.

I’m realizing that I’m over cautious these days and it’s scary when your 51 yr old mother is more adventurous.

I wonder if I’ll feel better after I type this

My damn car won’t pass emissions and I’ve already put money into it that I don’t have.

I’m scared of running out of money before I find a job.

When will I leave home and live my own life

I constantly am feeling compared to my mother in looks and sounding like her. I think I can imagine how twins feel when wanting to find their own identity separate from the other.

I want to be sickeningly in love. The kind of mushy madness that makes everyone around me gag. I want to be so far in love, I get cavaties from my own damn sweetness.

Will I publish this?

What is really going on here. What do I want to do?

I need to apply for some freelance photography work after my car gets fixed.

I have a motivation/vision board on my wall…I rarely look at it.

I wonder if I’ve gotten it all out?

I have a piece of art a classmate created from a compact mirror I carry with a rose on it. She got a shadow box, made the backing a mirrow, glued a paper rose she made petal by petal, then jagged pieces of glass are suspended as if they are stabbing the rose but the rose is thriving despite the harsh environment. It can be empowering one moment and sad the next. It describes me to a T. I was moved. I don’t think she’ll ever know how much.

I check facebook way too much.

I tried to go to church last sunday. Wasn’t feeling it. I believe God but I think I really am done with organized religion.

I haven’t seriously prayed in awhile. Maybe I should start…

St. Thomas USVI was the best beach I’ve been to in life. The one by the airport. I want to go back.

I thought redecorating my room in happier colors would help my mood. It has somewhat but not like I thought but I bought all this paint for some furniture, gotta use it.

Why do roaches come out once you’ve cleaned?

Tomorrow will be a better day.

I don’t want to waste my life.

I’ll be  27 in a month and some change. This is not where I expected to be.

I frear I won’t ever been in a real relationship. I may wind up a spinster with 2 pitbulls, 5 yorkies and a daschund named Sir Barksalot…I don’t really like cats….

I don’t know why I think things will be magically better if I moved to another city. Oh wait…there aren’t any jobs.

I haven’t figured out if I regret withdrawing from school. I couldn’t see spending all that money on another bachelors degree.

I don’t know how to flirt. I missed all that stuff in middle school. My innocence was stolen at young age, so I didn’t do the normal relating to the opposite sex.

Did I just type that. Yes, I did. If you figure it out, whatever…

This is getting long…

Quarter life crisis is REAL.

Maybe I should go overseas to teach English

I keep having dreams about my teeth cracking and falling out. Wonder what that means?

It’s almost 2 am and I’m still up. This is what unemployment does to you.

Am I lazy? I don’t know

I’m gonna end it now.

~R….life sucks right now

Moving on…

I’m currently unemployed and trying to manage this “quarter life” crisis I’m in. Sometimes their are good days, bad days, and neutral days. I’m filling out job apps and wondering what I’m really qualified to do. Yes, I worked throughout college but how do I turn that into a set of real skills. I won’t lie, I slept walked through alot of college. I did no internships or really got involved in any clubs. It’s kind wack when I think back about it. But I’m trying not to beat myself up. But God it’s hard.

In other news….

I’ve been saying for the past month that I was going to clean out my room but I’ve yet to do it. I don’t understand. I used to say “gonna clean” and I’d do it. I’m trying to figure out this lack of motivation to clean a space I occupy 80% of the time. Gotta do better.

Lastly…

This eating healthy is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard. I really want a french fry right now. And some chips and ice cream and chocolate and a milk shake and everything that’s tasty but not good for me. *eats another bananna chip* WOMP.

~R

So flashback to a couple of weekends ago, I participated in an MS walk in support of a friend. There was a guy, we’ll call him K, there who I thought was pretty cute. We had a mini convo, I gave him my biz card and said keep in touch. He said add him on f.b and I did. Now the card thing was  forward for me, b/c that’s not how I roll. As I walked away, I hoped he’d use my number on the card. He commented on some pics, a message or 2 was exchanged. Then there was this event a mutual friend, we’ll call her O, wanted to go to but needed a ride.

So I offer O a ride not knowing K was in the picture. Well she told me she’d let K know he didn’t have to take her. Well I thought that was my chance to just throw a mutual meeting out there. So I sent him a message letting him know I was taking her and it’d be great it he came out.

Fast forward to the point:

We had a great time. I kinda sensed there was more b/t them but I was so busy trying to make sure I was throwing SOME kind of “I like you” signal, that I wasn’t really looking. Well, I decided to go ahead and ask O if she and K were dating and she said no but they do like each other, she’s just trying to get over her height issues.

Well damn.

I’m not the type of person to force someone to like me or say “oh I’mma take him”. That’s bad karma. But dammit, when is it MY turn.

I have a firm philosophy that if a dude really likes you, he’ll let you know. I told my friend I wanted to let him pursue b/c then I’d know if he like me or not but noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I had to be all, “it’d be great to see you”. *sigh* BUT on the other hand, I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t ask. But dammit, he’s a great guy.

*sigh*

SHIT.

~R

Hate it! (not all of it *dreamy wavy lines*)

I’m trying to let him be the pursuer because that’s what men naturally do, and I don’t want to take that away b/c then he won’t try as hard and I’ll get suckered into “is he really THAT into me or just being nice by responding to my advances?”  but I think I’ve already made THAT mistake.

HATE IT! (well, the time after the date where you are waiting on some kind of communication *sigh*)

~R

ps. hate it *sigh*

Anywho, I went to a health fair at school today and determined that I have been seeing my weight through rose colored glasses. Lawd. I’m fat. There ya have. Not “thick” but fat. This fat, if not removed via exercise and good eating habits, will kill me. Plain and simple. I have too many “family” diseases to ignore my health. I feel genetics is half of the equation and how we live/eat pulls the trigger of the loaded genetic gun. I’mma tell ya’ll now, I AIN’T the one for dialysis, hyerpentions meds, cholesterol meds, etc. I had my blood sugar taken today and bout died from that pin prick, matter fact, my index finger still hurts as I type this…an it’s been like 1ohrs since I had that done. I don’t see how diabetics do it and they HAVE to, at least 4 or 5 times a day!

Needless to say, the time for change is now. My course load, althoug challenging in it’s own right, is nowhere near mind consuming as my business degree. I need to throw the excuse of “not enough time or brain space” out of the window and get this in CHECK!

So I calculated my BMR (basal metabolic rate) which is the amount of calories I need to maintain my weight and then factored in what I wanted to lose.

Step 1: BMR= 655 + (4.3 x weight) + (4.7 x height) – (4.7 x age)

Step 2: Sedentary life = BMR x 20%

              Light active life = BMR x 30%

You add this number (BMR x % activity) to your step 1 BMR

So, 3500 calories = 1 lb. So my BMR (sedentary lifes tyle) is 2020 calories. I factored in losing about a 1 1/2 lbs a week to begin which is 750 calories a day (7 days a week). So I can do a combination of eating less than my BMR and exercise to burn more calories. 

I chose to knock 500 calories off of eating and burn 250 calories through exercise.

Bottom line:

Healthy eating calories: 1520 cal/ day

Exercising calories: 250 cal/day

This calculation will always need to be revised for my activity level and weight so that I don’t throw my metabolism off by not eating enough for my activity level.

This means a constant effort to exercise everyday which is recommended by the new USDA nutritional guidelines. Another helpful tool I have found is http://www.mypyramidtracker.gov/ which helps you keep up with your vitamin/nutrients, salt, etc. It’s quite neat actually!

ok, I’m tired now. lol

~dueces~

~R

First day tomorrow.

I should be excited but Fin Aid got me blowed.

BUT

I will be excited. I get to start doing what I’m interested in.

Tomorrow’s classes are Drawing II and 2D Design&Color Theory.

In other news:

~ Dad I’m babysitting for doesn’t know about time boundaries. I shall have to teach him. Started this weekend with telling him when I’d be available instead of him telling me a time and not honoring it.

~ I’m embarking on a project soon, that I may let ya”ll know about. (ha, like people still read with me being all GHOST). But I’m excited. Got get on a work schedule that will work with my partner. He’s a bit of a energizer bunny..me not so much.

Well, I guess I’ll go to sleep!

~R